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Career and jobs: how to live with a workaholic
What turns people into workaholics? A look at the reasons why
spouses spend long hours at the office...and how to bring them
home and improve your relationship or marriage.
There's a lot of truth to the notion that whatever initially
attracts us to a relationship holds the potential to be the very
same thing that will later annoy and repel us. For example, a
man who is popular and has lots of friends will be accused of
spending more time with them than with his spouse. A woman who
makes the decision to go back to college in pursuit of higher
education will be deemed at the start as ambitious, and then
criticized for studying too much instead of partying. The same
principle applies to individuals whose work ethic reflects
diligence to earn a healthy wage and yet whose long hours away
at the office are interpreted as neglect of hearth and home.
The first thing that needs to be understood is the call for
moderation and compromise. Excessive/compulsive behaviors are as
destructive to the well being of the participants as it is to
those around them. The second thing about these behaviors is
that they are sometimes symptomatic of deeper problems and, in
the face of an impending break-up or divorce, may require
professional counseling to address.
If your significant other is putting in unreasonable amounts of
overtime and/or bringing work home, there could be several
reasons for it. Knowing what the reasons are will enable you to
fashion a response and develop an appropriate course of action.
SHORT TERM OR LONG TERM
Has your mate always been a workaholic or is this situation
relatively new? If it's the latter, the additional hours could
stem from several external factors. Perhaps his/her division is
suddenly short-staffed and new hires have not yet come on board.
Has the company undergone a reorganization that impacts
workflow? Was it recently awarded a contract with a
time-sensitive deadline? Maybe your partner just acquired a new
boss and wants to make a strong impression of being an above-and
beyond team player? This could further be in concert with
upcoming promotional opportunities.
If the two of you make a point of talking regularly about each
other's work, you'll have a better handle on current conditions
and know whether the excess hours are only temporary. One such
way to accomplish this is to set up a "decompression" time when
you both get home and, if you have children, the latter are
occupied with schoolwork, chores or friends. This is a chance
for the two of you to see where you are, what's going on, and
what to expect in terms of the allocation of time for family and
fun. What it is not a time for is to introduce problems and
complaints that will give the spouse even more reason to stay
away.
WE REALLY NEED THE MONEY
Couples never feel comfortable discussing finances. If
escalating costs have been pinching your pocketbook, it's
possible that your partner is working longer hours to simply
keep a roof over your heads and food on the table.
Unfortunately, what begins as good intentions to bolster
financial security often results in emotional deprivation.
It's critical that both of you know what the family budget is
and work together to increase cash flow and decrease household
expenses. Suffice it to say, however, many marriages fall apart
when the lonely partner voices anger over the time spent apart
and the workaholic voices resentment that his or her extra
wage-earning isn't being appreciated.
If it's not possible or practical for the spouse to take a
part-time or full-time job, then it's time to put your heads
together and determine what kinds of cost-cutting measures are
necessary to prevent the working partner from getting too
exhausted as the breadwinner.
HOME AWAY FROM HOME
Is your home life peaceful or a constant battleground? If it's
the latter, it's small wonder that men and women not only stall
leaving their desks at the stroke of 5 but also fabricate
excuses for going to the office on the weekends. Unruly
children, a chaotic/messy house, or a spouse who has scripted a
day's worth of nagging problems to hit one with upon arrival at
day's end become compelling reasons to simply hide out at the
office.
By the same token, a house that is always devoid of life
communicates, "I don't think it's important enough for me to be
here when you get home." Such are the conditions that cause
people to drift into substance abuse, extramarital affairs, and
workaholic tendencies. Sometimes all it takes it putting
yourself in the shoes of the person who is walking in the door
after a long day and strive to create the kind of welcoming
environment that will make them regard home as a haven.
THE HOME OFFICE
How do you tear someone away from the office when the office is
under the same roof? At the outset of your spouse either
starting a home-based business or simply bringing all of his/her
work home on a nightly basis, it's important to establish some
ground rules. The first one is that you, your offspring, and
your friends and neighbors respect the worker's "territory".
This means that you're not popping your head inside the door
every ten minutes and asking them to do something for you. It
means that you're not treating their home office like a
catch-all for toys, laundry, hobbies, etc. It also means that
you're not doing anything that is going to interrupt the flow of
work that's going on (i.e., playing loud music). The second rule
is that every time they step outside of the office, they are
stepping back into the house and, as such, need to leave work on
the other side of the door. This strategy, of course, only has a
chance of succeeding if the first rule is being regularly
enforced and respected.
MAYBE THEY REALLY LIKE WHAT THEY'RE DOING
Many people work to live. Others are lucky enough to live to
work, relishing a career niche that allows them to get paid for
what they really love doing. You obviously knew this when you
first got together. The dedicated doctor, the aggressive lawyer,
the struggling musician, the impassioned actor. Did you really
think they'd give up their dreams for the convenience of an 8 to
5 day job just to keep you and the kids company?
Be realistic! If spouses are putting in lots of time doing what
they love, you need to (1) find a way to be supportive and
participate, (2) carve out "us time and make the commitment to
nurture it or (3) find something exciting of your own to occupy
your hours apart. What this accomplishes is the affirmation that
(1) you think what they are doing is important, (2) you think
the relationship is important enough to schedule date nights and
mini-getaways, and (3) you are vibrant and intriguing enough to
make them want to spend more time with you!
You can find more information here:
http://www.tradingideas4you.com/home-family/marriage/marriage.htm
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